today i had a very rough fight with my mom for visiting my boyfriend without her verbal consent today. she got worried because i entered his moms car without saying anything. the sudden tension from cuddling and watching TV to arguments, her threatening to call the cops, and sudden lack of trust and prvacy sent me into overdrive. 3 hours ago, i called him while i was standing in my shed with a noose tied to the frame. when he asked me what i was doing, i told him my exact plans. he said dont do it, and that thereās so much to live for. but by the time he managed to say that, i was already kicking the crate from underneath me. it was about 25 seconds later when my body started to feel light, when i heard his voice breaking and he kept repeating my name. i immediately used my feet to pull the crate back under me and i stumbled down, spitting and crying. i sobbed harder everytime he asked what was happening. now heās scared to leave me alone, scared to trust me in the bathroom alone, scared generallyā¦ i prayed, and my mom threw stuff at me for āreligious bullsh#tā. i kept repeating that gods work wasnāt made incorrectly, but i felt rushed. and i deserved to be put back in his hands. no other explanation could be used for my suffering other than god needing to finish what he started.
i just have nobody to speak to about these issues since im on a school computer and this is one of the few unblocked forum sites. please, someone give me some insight..
What you described is incredibly serious, and I donāt want to treat it lightly. You were 25 seconds away from dying. The fact that you stopped and pulled yourself down matters more than you probably realize right now.
First, you do not ādeserveā to suffer like this. And God is not trying to finish something by pushing you toward death. Scripture is very clear that God is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). That does not mean He crushes them on purpose. It means He comes close when they are already hurting.
Second, what happened between you and your momā¦I can see how that was intense and overwhelming. Anyone would feel shaken by threats, yelling, and just an overall loss of trust. But that kind of moment is temporary. Suicide is permanent. Your nervous system went into overdrive, and your mind tried to escape the pain as fast as possible. That doesnāt mean the pain is meaningless. It means you were flooded and alone.
Right now, the most important thing is not figuring out the theology of suffering. Itās safety.
If you are in immediate danger again, please call emergency services in your area. If you are in the U.S., you can call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. They are free and available 24/7.
You mentioned praying. That matters. But prayer and professional help are not opposites. God often works through counselors, doctors, and wise adults. Elijah in 1 Kings 19 wanted to die. God did not shame him. He fed him, let him rest, and then spoke gently. He addressed his body and mind before giving him direction.
Right now, your body and mind need care.
You are not crazy. You are not dramatic. You are not beyond help. But this is bigger than a forum reply.
Thank you for trusting us with your story. Thatās a good start. I always feel somewhat better if I can talk to someone about whatās going on. Thereās a community here thatās listening. More importantly, God knows whatās going on and when you pray to Him, He is listening to you. It may not seem like it, but itās true. Just accept it as truth right now and keep talking to Him.
JennyLynne is right that you need some time to rest and put in some distance. And if youāre in trouble you need to reach out for help. Suicide is not the answer. It may end the pain, but your life is a gift given you by God. Donāt throw it back to Him. Lean into Him and trust that God loves you and is present in your pain. One day you will know that for sure.
Mr.max, you live in a toxic enviroment. Have you tried self reporting to Child Protective Services or calling 211 to ask for help? There is also emancipation, but it is a long procss. I assume you have no family willing/able to take you out of your bad situation. But you have options and you are worth potecting.
Also, you have a spirtual family here among Gods children. You are loved Mr.max. Know that. (Please though, language. Vulgarity is not where God is. I know you can be better than that). Stop thinking about taking your life, and think about taking control of your life. God led you here for a reason. Find it.
sorry, i was just raised in a family from boston where the f word is used like a vowel XD)
i have. they did nothing. arizonas abuse laws are very thin compared to others. look up āArizonaās Family ā DCS: State Of Failureā it covers recent failed CPS reports, including emily pike ā whoās dismemberment and unsolved death started a new law for missing native americans.
I fully believe you. I grew up in Tennesseeās states custody. All I can tell you then is to find your strength in God. The word is your shield. Remember, 18 comes fast. Might not seem like it sometimes, but you will be there in no time.
very much aware. i have daily life supplies packed already even though Iām` 15. i have apartments planned out, a job planned out ā my boyfriend will graduate before i do, and he will help me get the apartment since i physically canāt until my parents let me have a job.
There is a free pdf booklet you can download called āUnderstanding Suicideā that describes many of the situations that can contribute to suicidal thoughts. A toxic environment is just one.