I am in a stuck place. I am so angry at God for allowing my son to die. It has devastated my life along with the life of my existing son. I am having a very hard time trusting God again. I have a block in my heart to praying. I want the peace that only surrender can bring but dont know how to get back there.
Welcome to the forum.
I have never lost a child, so I have no idea of your pain and heartache.
I can only point out the brutal truth, if you don’t trust God then who or what do you trust in?
God is real and we all need to trust, believe in God and the salvation he offers.
I pray that as you greave, you will trust God, that his peace and love will garison your heart and mind.
I may say something controversial here but…
Be angry with God. Scream and rage at God, and tell Him exactly how you feel. He is big enough.
Anger is a part of grief. And you need to move through it in order to release it. God is big enough and loves you enough to take your pain. You cannot hurt God. And God knows your heart.
And when you can, forgive God for the hurt you feel.
No one can tell you why this happened. You wont find that answer in this life. But you will blame God for it. And you will have to forgive God to heal your relationship with Him. That means accepting the wrong you feel happened and making peace with it. All of this will take time. Maybe a year or more. A grief counselor may be able to help. Or a support group.
Grief is a hard thing to go through alone. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the time you need to heal.