My husband wants a divorce. I do not. I want my marriage to survive. But I’ll settle for clarity and no longer crying daily, all day. It’s been almost five months since my husband and I spoke and I’m praying for a miracle. But I’m also praying that I can get a glimpse that my life will go on if Gods plan for me doesn’t include him. The bleakness and blankness of the future is overwhelmingly scary to me. I just need some sense of normalcy for myself. I pray for my husband and that our marriage survives, but I ask that you pray for me. I’m tired of fighting against the negative thoughts in my mind. I’m tired of fighting to keep moving. I’m tired of being strong. I’m just so tired. I feel like God has abandoned me while clinging to hope that tomorrow I will wake up and not be devastated again another day. Tomorrow doesn’t seem to ever come. I want desperately to look toward brighter days, I just can’t see it happening. I want so badly to enjoy a sunset or be thankful for another day at work or comforted that I’ve made it another day. Yet my grief strips me of the ability to be thankful for anything and I chastise myself because of that. Therapy hasn’t been helping and I start with someone new. I recently started meds to help stabilize my mood. My usual comfort and safety has been ripped away and I’m not certain I’ll ever have that again without my husband. But again, I’m begging and pleading for God to give me peace, to shelter me from this overwhelming grief that has caused myself to be worried about how much longer I can continue this fight and not just give up. I don’t understand why I can’t have peace, why this is still so raw, why healing hasn’t even started. Why almost five months later, it’s like it just happened. Why God doesn’t love me enough to allow me even a sliver of hope for a future, with or without my husband. What am I doing wrong that I am not deserving of Gods mercy and grace, of love and security, of compassion? No one can answer that question and so I continue to suffer while desperately reaching out to others for some form of clarity. I need a miracle.
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