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Issue: MXXI - - - - - - - Your Weekly Vital News - - - - - - - Cost:2¢
† — VW NEWS — †
**EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT IT**
Psychic Vampire Kills The Forums… Again. Authorities Do Nothing About it.
Authorites seen during recent killing standing with hands in thier pockets. - VW News
During the last days of Febuary 2026, a Psychic Vampire posing as a theologian once again spread its special kind of havoc throughout the Forums, interrupting a quiet Bible Study and leaving very few survivors in its wake. One anonymous survivor claims “The authorities did nothing, just stood there counting their pocket lint. It was real surreal and all. I was just like, where did everyone go to man? People just vanished”.
Psychic Vampire seen with intended victim. - VW News
For those unaware, a Psychic Vampire is a creature thought to exist only in folklore, but be warned, they are very real, very dangerous and very much amongst us here on the Forums. Sources report that they are known to feed off of the “life force” of other living creatures.
As one survivor of a previous attack from a Psychic Vampire noted: “These monsters get some kind of an increased energy around other people, but leave those people exhausted and “drained” of energy. You’ve heard of them in the occult beliefs of various cultures and in fiction, but these things are real and are dangerous I tell you”.
Here we see the results of being “drained” by a Psychic Vampire. - VW News
Terms used to describe the substance or essence that Psychic Vampires take or receive from others include: energy, qi or ch’i and life force. Others claim they can suck dry your very soul. So how does one combat such evil? In much the same way you combat the Psychic Vampires’ more commonly known cousin, the Troll.
Ruthless and brazen Trolls waiting for a hapless victim to pass by them. - VW News
“Trolls generally keep to themselves, rarely venturing out from their caves and from under their bridges”. Says Troll expert Wilbur T. Goodman. “But when they have access to the internet and the anonymity it brings, they feel emboldened to post deliberately offensive or provocative messages online such as in social media, a forum, a chat room, an online video game or performs and can exhibit similar behaviors in real life. The methods and motivations of trolls can range from benign to sadistic and Psychic Vampires are much the same, though far less benign”.
" You’ve heard of them in the occult beliefs of various cultures and in fiction, but these things are real and are dangerous I tell you. ”
Father Jerekai, a Priest of the Exoric Order of the Forums, has this to say: “With both, these messages can be inflammatory, insincere, digressive, extraneous, or off-topic, and may have the intent of provoking others into displaying emotional responses, or manipulating others’ perceptions, but for different reasons".
“Exorcisims, Crosses, Garlic and Holy Water do not work on either of these monsters, neither does trying to engage them in rational debate on scripture, so the most effective way to deal with them is to put a stake right through their Godless hearts. Really give it too them. And it helps to have a Holy Bible on hand to, excuse the pun, drive home the point.”
Professor Van Helsing seen “Flagging” a Psychic Vampire. - VW News
Professor Abraham Van Helsing agrees. “Staking them, also known as Flagging, is the most effective way. Those who profess ‘just ignoring’ them are blantant and soon to be soulless fools. If this is allowed to go on, we wont have any users, much less a Forum left”.
Sound advice from some of the top experts on the subject. If you see one, flag one. Also, a little prayer never hurts. Psalms 23 anyone?
- James Dwight (J.D.) McKenna, Reporter | Vampire Watch News -
Note: A Special Hotline has been set up for survivors of the Psychic Vampire attack. If you or a loved one have been effected, please dial 1-8OO-555-HELP today.
CONTENTS: Headlines - PsyVamp on the Loose (pg.1-3) — Todays Comic - Special: Dilbert has Dogbert Euthanized (pg.4-5) — Sports - 100m Bible Relay (pg.6) — In The Word -Today’s Bible Verse and Bingo Card (pg.8) + $130 WORTH OF COUPONS
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