Thank you all , God bless you.
Childhood sexual abuse is damaging in two ways. First there are negative dynamics introduced. Secondly positive developmental elements were neglected.
One can survive such events, but still have been crippled by them. A good first step is to see oneself disconnected from past events. If one can see the past as one might look in a rear view mirror, it can help to disconnect one from traumatic events. Sometimes a little anger can be useful to aid disconnection. However, anger can be tricky because you don’t want to poison yourself with bitterness.
Disconnection is useful to reduce the ongoing damage. It can be like having been shot with an arrow, getting the arrow removed. The next step would be to reduce the influence of the perpetrator. One can feel guilt with any pleasure experienced or one can feel anger at having be seduced and exploited. However, iif one looks at their own life as they would of a stranger, they can see the perpetrator as a sad creature so given over to lusts as to have no regard for others, even family members. This becomes almost looking at the perpetrator as a sort of animal unable to conduct himself as a human. This is another sort of disconnection in that the emotions that can be associated with the memory of the person can be reduced to the mechanical.
A later stage of recovery involves attempting to construct the positive things that were neglected in one’s development. One key thing that is often harmed in the ability to trust. Here being a Christian can be very useful. One knows the trust they have in Jesus. While it is practical to be guarded with strangers, one can experiment with slowly extending levels of trust to others. Trust can be withdrawn if one encounters someone who is unworthy.
Here is a sort article about abuse that might be useful;
Recovering From Abuse
Getting out of abuse is key. For kids this can mean waiting years or getting external intervention. Once a safer environment is achieved, work can begin on repair. Abuse usually results in two types of injury, the negative things that happened, and the lack of positive developmental skills.
In order to try to repair the negative damage, it will be important to mentally distance yourself from both the incident and personality of the abuser. This can be difficult when it is a parent. It can help to consider the abuser as a retarded child who flails around causing damage with no idea that they are out of control. This helps make it less personal. This sort of mental distancing can allow a person to look at what they experienced more like a car accident than a personal attack.
It can be more difficult to identify what positive skills one is missing because of the abuse. One of the most common is noticing that one is not able to slip into and out of reflexive social situations. People who have not experienced difficulty seem to have this social advantage. Those who have experienced trauma generally are cautious and do not extend trust as automatically as those who live more by reflex.
People like cops, emergency room nurses, combat veterans, and even ex-cons may have experiences that also make them less reflexively trusting. However, one does not have to be reflexive to be socially engaged. It is possible to use a front of social conviviality and civility to interface with people that does not require trust. Over time one can slowly and intentionally extend trust.
The bible cautions against a root of bitterness (Heb 12:15). This is because holding on to bitterness can poison a life. This is where Christianity offers a significant advantage. Things that are of the flesh are generally selfish and self-focused. Being able to let go of that and embrace an attitude of love (the selflessness and other orientation of Christ-likeness) found in walking by the Spirit can allow past injuries to fade from memory.
Although much can be repaired, the effects of abuse can result in permanent physical or emotional damage. However, even like a person who lost a leg in combat or a car accident, one can usually learn to maneuver even with more limited abilities.
Sometimes people come to think that as Christians we are obligated to forgive everyone. This applies only when someone asks for forgiveness. Most people never think they have done anything wrong so forgiveness is seldom required. If someone does ask forgiveness, they should understand that one may still establish boundaries to protect themselves.
Two issues that are important in recovery are trust and control. It is understandable that one might be guarded and only slowly extend trust to another. Being able to have an environment that one can control is also important. People who have been abused may not have fully developed skills to take control of their environments and need some time to learn how to develop and exercise these skills.
Php 3:13 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,
What you are describing is horrific, and far too heavy of a burden for any human. It is not final however, and recovery is possible. Reaching out, as you are here, is a positive sign that you are actually still fighting against this trauma, and fighting against it is good and honorable.
This forum is not a particularly effective resource capable of assisting you in your struggle; you need a personal one-on-one connection with a counselor who is not only capable of assisting you with your burden, but one who can also help supply you with some Hope found only in the loving embrace of your Creator. I am asking our Father to help you find such an individual who will stick with you compassionately and patiently as you navigate the road to recovery. It is my opinion that the road that leads you to your best, and most healthy outcome is only found in the Gospel (good news) of Jesus Christ. Jesus is the good shepherd, and the perfect healer, and the only One capable of lifting you from the mire and setting your feet on sold rock. He is That Rock.
Praying for your recovery.
KP
dont take trauma lightly. rest and eat and water . it is all important. do things that calm you down . TAKING PSYCHIATRIC SAFE MEDECINE is not a crime! maybe you need them for a life time. dont make you less of a person.