Struggling to understand what it means to «seek Jesus first»

General Faith
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In the past few months—after a few years of the darkest times in my life—I’ve started to come into faith with a new sense of power and understanding. I was never an atheist, but I was never deeply religious either. Lately, I’ve been praying a lot, and for the first time in my life, I’ve genuinely felt that God has answered some of those prayers in ways I can’t ignore.

As part of this journey, I’ve started reading books to better understand the Bible and watching a lot of sermons—especially by Tim Keller. One message that comes up constantly is that we need to fully submit to the Lord and put Him first in our lives. And I’m really struggling to understand what that truly means.

Does it mean I have to give up my own desires in order to serve Him?

I live a very, very lonely life. I’ve been through deep pain in past relationships. All those failures left a lasting mark on me. But despite it all, I still have one core hope: to have a wife, a family, children. That’s what I pray for most. But now, after listening to these sermons, I find myself questioning—am I just asking God to give me a happy life here on Earth? Am I truly seeking Him, or just what He can give me?

That’s where I’m stuck. I don’t fully understand what it means to «seek Jesus first». Does it mean giving up all other desires? Is it wrong to want love, companionship, a family?

If anyone has gone through something similar or has insight, I would really appreciate your perspective. What does it mean for you to truly put Jesus first?

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At its simplist yes.

If you are seeking to be or to serve or to know more about Jesus then attending a local church is a good place to start and a simple example of putting Jesus’s will before ones own, as making time to attend church can be difficult.

No it is not wrong to desire to have a wife and family, equally our desination is not a better life here but a life with Jesus in heaven.

Check out the web site Christianityexplored for churches in your area that have or are running this course and either sign up for it or try attending that church.
Why. Because the course will let you explore Christianity, get to know some church members before you set foot in the church.
It also confirms that that churches beliefs are biblical.

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Brother, your questions reveal a heart already being stirred and drawn by the Spirit to wrestle with the living Word, and you’ve opened yourself to a holy tension that Scripture speaks into with clarity, urgency, and grace. Let’s answer you with verbs from the text of God’s Word, showing what it means to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness (Matthew 6:33) while praying boldly, longing righteously, and surrendering trustingly.

First, acknowledge that God commands you to seek Him first, not because desires for family and love are evil, but because desires become disordered when they displace Him. Jesus explicitly commands in Matthew 6:31–33, do not worry, saying, “What shall we eat?” or “What shall we drink?” or “What shall we wear?” … but seek (ζητεῖτε, zēteite) first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. The verb ζητεῖτε (present imperative) calls you to continually pursue, strive for, prioritize above all else God’s reign and His ways. The promise is not that God ignores your earthly hopes, but that He aligns them to His will as you trust Him first.

Second, present your desires honestly but humbly before Him. Philippians 4:6–7 commands you to be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests (αἰτήματα, aitēmata) be made known to God. And the peace of God … will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. You are not commanded to kill the longing for companionship but to submit it under His sovereign wisdom through prayer. Psalm 37:4–5 exhorts you to delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him and He will do it. Notice the verbs: delight, commit, trust—you act by putting Him first in joy and trust, not by denying every created longing.

Third, deny yourself daily and follow Him. This is the sharper edge of discipleship that Christ clarifies in Luke 9:23–24: If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake, he is the one who will save it. Denying self here does not mean obliterating human love or marriage, but refusing to idolize them, refusing to let them master your decisions, and embracing the possibility that His way may not fulfill them exactly as you picture. You surrender the timing, shape, and outcome of those desires to the crucified and risen Lord who bought you with His blood (1 Corinthians 6:19–20).

Fourth, set your mind on eternal things and seek what is above. Colossians 3:1–2 commands: if you have been raised with Christ, seek the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on the things that are on earth. This sharpens the focus of “seeking Him first”—not the eradication of earthly joys, but their subordination to Christ’s supremacy and the hope of eternity.

Fifth, pray, watch, and wait on Him in faith, for He is good and faithful. Psalm 27:13–14 strengthens you: I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord. Notice here you believe, wait, be strong, take courage—you act in faith even as you patiently trust His timing.

So no, it is not wrong to desire a wife and family, for marriage itself is honorable and God-ordained (Hebrews 13:4, Genesis 2:18). But it is wrong to treat those as your savior or to measure God’s goodness only by whether He grants them. You are called to love God supremely and let Him define what is best in your life, even if that means embracing singleness longer than you wish, or learning that His provision is different than you imagined.

In application: keep praying specifically and boldly for a godly wife and family, but in every prayer also say, not my will but Yours be done (Luke 22:42). Keep cultivating spiritual disciplines, keep serving in your church, keep walking in holiness, keep guarding your heart against bitterness, envy, or idolatry, and keep rejoicing in the salvation bought by Christ on the cross, knowing that His grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9) and His timing perfect (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

In all this you actively seek, pray, trust, commit, wait, deny, follow, set your mind, watch, delight yourself in Him. That is what it means to put Jesus first—and those verbs are yours to live in the Spirit’s power, not merely to admire on the page.

J.

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I know this post is a bit old (I had no idea Crosswalk had forums, actually), but this is a good question.

When you’re a single Christian, and you express your desires for romance/marriage/sex, well-meaning people will often tell you things like “Seek Jesus first.” Personally, I don’t find this sort of “advice” all that helpful, even if it comes from a good place.

I mean, first of all, that sort of thing is condescending and patronizing, isn’t it? I get that it’s not meant that way. The people who say this are well-meaning. But still.

"Remember single folks…your number one priority is JESUS!" Wow. Really? I didn’t know that! What’s my number one priority as a married person? Oh, right. Jesus. Hahaha!

Can you become unhealthily “obsessed” with finding romantic love? Well, yeah, sure, probably. However, I do actually believe that if you desire marriage and you’re still single at, say, 25 or older, you should probably put some serious effort into it. These things don’t “just happen.” People tell single folks to “trust God” or “trust God’s timing.” But God doesn’t promise marriage to any of us. How can you trust God to fulfill a promise He never made to you?

Your desire for a wife is nothing to be ashamed of. This is a normal part of the human experience. An interesting truth about marriage is that God created it at the dawn of the world. It happened while Adam had a perfect, sinless relationship with God. So it wasn’t a lack of God being “enough” that made God give Adam a wife. He looked at Adam and said it “wasn’t good” for him to be alone. Wait! So even when he was totally with God, Adam still needed someone else? Whoops.

The Bible does say good things about singleness. But it says other things, too. In Matthew 19 Jesus says that lifelong celibacy isn’t for everyone.

Some people might tell you that Paul says good things about singleness in1 Corinthians 7.This is true. But he says other things, too. Paul’s writing on this issue is pretty nuanced. In this chapter Paul says he has no “commandment from God” about this. Paul says that he wishes that everyone was single like him ── not that God wishes it. He says that he, personally, is content with being single ── but he admits that not everyone is like that. He says that it’s good to stay single, but that it’s better to marry if you have strong desires. Paul “supposes” that it’s better to stay single because of “the present distress,” some crisis that the church in Corinth was dealing with at the time. He says you’re not sinning by marrying. Paul says a widow would be happier if she stayed single, but he admits that this is just a personal opinion. Evidently, many people are not happier being single. In 1 Timothy 4:1-3 Paul also condemns people who forbid marriage. And if Paul wrote the Book of Hebrews, then he also said that marriage is a good thing.

Your desires for romance/marriage/sex are normal and nothing to be ashamed about. And we’re allowed to pursue these. I hope it works out for you, I really do.

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Welcome @JamesWesley. Glad you are here.

Then you may not like this. One of the reasons some well-meaning “Christians” tell you to “seek Jesus first” is for three reasons.

One, it is Biblical.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:33

In reality, nothing else matters more in this life. Without Him, there is no life. You are just the walking dead.

Two, sex.

Sex is great. God created it. However, if it is not done in the way God planned it to be, it is sin. ANY form of sex. Pre-marital, Adultery, Homosexuality, Bestiality. Anything outside of Marriage between one man and one woman is sin and should be avoided. Don’t want to get pregnant? Do not want a sexually transmitted disease, say it with me, don’t have sex. Guaranteed to work every time.

“Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.” 1 Corinthians 6:18

Which brings us to three. Protection of the community and the marriage bed.

" Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous." Hebrews 13:4

In the ancient Near Eastern and Greco-Roman worlds, casual or premarital sexual practices often led to broken family structures, disputed lineages, and vulnerable individuals left without social safety nets. By keeping sexual intimacy exclusive to marriage, biblical law sought to protect the stability of the family unit, ensure clear obligations of care between partners, and maintain order within the faith community.
Peter

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@JamesWesley

You make some great points, and helpful reminders about how to manage natural impulses with biblical admonition. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. My simple reply is actually directed to the OP (original poster), but, I can see that he has not been active here for over a year. So, I am replying to you in sort-of “preaching-to-the-choir” mode. I hope you don’t mind.

My original thought about the tension found between “Seeking Jesus First”, and “attending to our normal and natural needs”, was that there might be less tension than it may seem on the surface. The reason is, Jesus demonstrates, and teaches, that God our Father is VERY interested in “attending to our normal and natural needs” personally (Luke 12). The tension arises when we think we are at odds with our Father, or when we actually want something that our Father would withhold from us out of Godly Love. This is where (IMHO) “Seek Jesus First” comes into play, when our two wills are misaligned. The gift of faith leads us to trust in the Fatherly oversight of our Lord over our impatience with a personal situation and “Seek First The Kingdom of God”. Faith trusts God’s perfect, daily, loving provision as a two-year-old child trusts in the caring provision of his loving biological father.

Just a thought, for what it’s worth.

KP

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Read the Bible cover to cover. It doesn’t take long.

Pray constantly (1 Thessalonians 5:17).