So yes I do have unforgivness in my heart towards a few people. I have prayed and prayed about it. And the offense happens again and again. I explain how it makes me feel I also try to include how Gods will for marriage is not for us to do things that we know are inappropriate in a marriage. He responds like he gets it but yet continues in the behavior. We separated for 2.5 years. I asked God to not allow him to come back if it was not going to be done in the way His word.I am trying to do Gods will but I am just at a loss.
Forgiveness
Five Kinds of Biblical Forgiveness
- Judicial Forgiveness
The eternal forgiveness of all sins of the one who has trusted Christ. This forgiveness is the result of justification and has to do with the believer’s initial, necessary forgiveness from God. The forgiveness one experiences upon being justified by faith is once for all, and eternal. This forgiveness is accessed only on faith in Christ Jesus, the Lamb of God Who took away the sins of the world. David describes this type of forgiveness in his declaration
“Blessed is the man to whom the Lord does not impute not iniquity.” (Ps 32:1, 2-note).
The psalms also teach that
"As far as the East is from the West, so far has He removed our transgressions from us” (Ps 103:12-note).
And so dear reader you can declare this moment,
“As I have trusted Christ for my salvation, the debt I owed for all my sins past, present, and future has been paid in full by the His precious blood shed for me and my debts have been completely forgiven, sent away, remitted. My Father remembers those sins no more.” (Ps 130:4-note; Acts 26:18; Eph 1:7-note; Col 1:14-note)
- Paternal Forgiveness
This aspect of forgiveness describes that which is broken with our Father when we fail to forgive others. On the positive side this quality of forgiveness describes restoration of fellowship between God the Father and His beloved child thus speaking of “family” forgiveness. This forgiveness is contingent upon the child of God (a) Confessing their sin or specifically naming the sin, agreeing with God that it is in fact a grievous sin, and expressing a willingness and desire to forsake it, attitudes and actions that are well summed up in the word repentance (see 1Jn 1:9; Jn 13:4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10; Mt 6:12-notes cf Pr 28:13) (b) Forgiveness of debts (sins) others have against us (Personal forgiveness - see the next kind of forgiveness.)
- Personal Forgiveness
Restoration of fellowship with another human being
(a) This facet of forgiveness is so important that Jesus conditions our forgiveness and restoration to fellowship with our Heavenly Father on our willingness to forgive others. In fact paternal/personal forgiveness is the only topic that Jesus elaborated on in the “Lord’s (Disciple’s) Prayer” in the Sermon on the Mount. See notes on the actual prayer in Mt 6:12-note and Jesus’ further explanation in Mt 6:14,15-notes; Mt 18:21-35; Luke 6:37; Col. 3:13-note; Eph 4:31, 32-note)
(b) Personal forgiveness has a vertical dimension, we must release the person to God. This can happen anywhere at anytime. Jesus taught,
“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven my forgive you your sins.” (Mk 11:25)
(c) Personal forgiveness has a horizontal dimension, we must confront the offender and forgive if he repents.
“Be on your guard. If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.” (Luke 17:3)
- Social forgiveness
Restoration of fellowship with society (Jn 8:1-10) This may be a personal attitude in our own communities or involve us in ministries like Chuck Colson’s prison ministry. There is little forgiveness by society today partly because there are very few things that society frowns on.
- Ecclesiastical Forgiveness
Restoration of fellowship with the church) 2Co 2:5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 2Th 3:14, 15. This forgiveness assumes a prior discipline by the church body and an evidence of a repentant heart on the part of the one disciplined. The purpose of discipline is restoration, and forgiveness assumes repentance and restoration.
Further Thoughts on Forgiveness
You do not have to forget after you forgive. God’s grace may allow you to do so, but your forgiving can still be sincere even if you remember.
You do not overlook people’s faults by forgiving them. You must forgive them because you do hold them to account and refuse to agree with or overlook their faults.
Forgiveness deals with our emotional response toward an offender. Pardon deals with the consequences of his offense. Unless we have the authority we may not be able to pardon an offense, but we can always forgive.
Forgiveness offers a chance at reconciliation; it is an opportunity for a life together instead of “death” together. Forgiveness has creative power to move us away from a past moment of pain, to unshackle us from our endless chain of emotional reactions, and to create a new situation in which both the wrongdoer and the wronged can begin a new way.
The alternative to forgiveness is, in the end, a ceaseless process of hurt, bitterness, anger, resentment and self-destruction. And as Jesus clearly warns there is the continued hand of our Father which will weigh heavy upon us…
'And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors…for (Jesus explains why it is crucial that believers forgive the spiritual/ethical debts others owe us) if you forgive (“remit their debt”, consciously choose to send it away) men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions." (Mt 6:12-note; Mt 6:14,15-note) Forgiveness of others is absolutely crucial in order for believers to experience the forgiveness (and fellowship) of their Father. Such restored fellowship will also remove a major hindrance or roadblock to effective prayer.
Has God’s Spirit placed someone on your heart that you need to forgive?
J.
TRUE FORGIVENESS TO SOME PEOPLE IS SIMPLY “TOO MUCH”! - Marie de Medicis, the Italian-born wife of King Henri IV of France, became the regent for their son Louis after her husband’s death in 1610. In later years her relationship with Louis soured and they lived in a state of ongoing hostility. Marie also felt a deep sense of betrayal when Cardinal Richelieu, whom she had helped in his rise to political power, deserted her and went over to her son’s side. While on her deathbed Marie was visited by Fabio Chigi, who was papal nuncio of France. Marie vowed to forgive all of her enemies, including Cardinal Richelieu. “Madam,” asked Chigi, “as a mark of reconciliation, will you send him the bracelet you wear on your arm?” “No,” she replied firmly, “that would be too much.” True forgiveness is hard to extend because it demands that people let go of something they value (Ed: The very essence of the verb for forgiveness - Aphiemi = a sending away, letting it go, dropping it, canceling the debt they owe you!) – not a piece of jewelry, but pride, perhaps, as sense of justice, or desire for revenge. (contrast Ro 12:17-note, Ro 12:18, 19, 20, 21-note) – Daily Walk, May 27, 1992.
J.
THE DESTRUCTIVE SPECTRUM
OF AN UNFORGIVING SPIRIT
Forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you -
The spectrum of unforgiveness includes all manner of insults and injuries we receive that result in reactions varying from resentment to grudges to bitterness to overt anger. All of these self-destructive feelings (eg, bitterness is an “acid” that damages the “container” as much or more than those it is poured on) need to be dealt with at the Cross where our forgiveness was paid for in full (Jn 19:30+ where “It is finished” = “Paid in full” = Tetelestai!). It follows that the mighty Cross is the fountain head of ALL supernatural (true) forgiveness.
While forgiveness may entail just one act on our part, often forgiveness is a process as the painful thoughts and feelings recur and we find ourselves needing to repeat this divinely enabled act of forgiveness “seven times seventy”. It is vital that we as the body of Christ deal with the poison of an unforgiving spirit for this is one of the most common problems in evangelical churches today, which produces the putrid “fruits” of disunity, divorce, disappointment, etc (according to Bryon Paulus, director of Life Action Ministries, a revival focused ministry).
Jesus presumably addressed believers in Matthew 18:21-35 in the parable of the unforgiving steward. Believers are implied by the fact that Jesus called for “seven times seventy” forgiveness in Mt 18:22, a quality only possible in one energized by the Holy Spirit. In the parable our Lord concluded that the unforgiving person is the one who shows no mercy (Mt 18:33, cp Jas 2:13, Mt 5:7) and who would be turned over the torturers “until he should repay all that was owed” (Mt 18:34, read the entire parable Mt 18:21-35). Note the “time phrase” until. Until can be a few minutes, a few months or many years, even a lifetime. How often we hear stories of unresolved relationships lasting a lifetime, only to be dealt with (or not dealt with) on one’s death bed!
Unforgiveness is a topic with which the body of Christ must seriously address.
J.
Your post resonates with me, the sense of justice popped out at me. I’ve been struggling with unforgiveness of my brother’s ex-wife, whom I believe murdered him to get his house for herself and their son, and she involved my nephew into the situation, he was almost 15 at the time and was home all week with my brother, who had been deceased for days, my nephew waited 4 days to report the death. This was in 2021, I’m still in court with them, as they’re trying to get the house. As Christians, we’re not supposed to go by “an eye for an eye”, I did everything I could to get the police to look into the situation, but they refused to do so, even going as far as to say that they didn’t want to question my nephew (no longer a minor) because they didn’t want to make him nervous. To pray to forgive her seems “too much” to me as well, it’s a little easier to pray for my nephew, he’s been psychologically abused and manipulated by his mother since he was very young, but he was also at an age of accountability when this happened. I pray for forgiveness because I want to be obedient to God, but I certainly don’t feel it. I also believe that you reap what you sow, and I pray for the truth to be exposed and justice and accountability.
I really do think Brother @PeterC gave you solid, biblical counsel on how to move forward.
As believers eis Jesus Christ we should put the Imperatives of Scripture into daily action.
As here…
Forgive as God Forgave You
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Ephesians 4:32
“Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”
Colossians 3:13
Forgive Immediately When Repentance Is Present
“Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”
Luke 17:3–4
Forgiveness Is Expected of Christ’s Disciples
“And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”
Mark 11:25
“For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”
Matthew 6:14
Love Does Not Keep a Record of Wrongs
“Love is patient and kind… it is not irritable or resentful.”
1 Corinthians 13:4–5
The phrase “not resentful” (Greek: ou logizetai to kakon) literally carries the idea of not keeping an account of wrongs suffered.
Be Slow to Anger and Ready to Reconcile
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”
James 1:19
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.”
Ephesians 4:31
Christ’s Example
“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
Luke 23:34
Even while being crucified, our Lord displayed a forgiving spirit toward His enemies.
A Wisdom Proverb
“Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”
Proverbs 19:11
My advise to you.
The biblical pattern is:
Be quick to forgive because God has forgiven you (Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13).
Do not harbor bitterness (Eph. 4:31).
Do not keep a record of wrongs (1 Cor. 13:5).
Be ready to forgive repeatedly when repentance is expressed (Luke 17:3–4).
Imitate Christ, who forgave even those who crucified Him (Luke 23:34).
A fitting prayer is:
“Lord, as You have freely forgiven me in Christ, grant me grace to forgive others quickly, sincerely, and from the heart.” (cf. Matt. 18:35; Eph. 4:32)
Wish you well @mrsbunder.
J.
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These are extremely heavy situations, and I do not know how any one of us to go through these type trials without the strength and peace of God. I ask Father God to flood each of your souls with His mercy and grace. Father, send help with each one who is struggling with unforgiveness. There is nothing too hard for You!