Trying to find healing after leaving the church

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I started attending church (Frist Baptist Church) and met hypocrisy. I didn’t even know the word, or what it meant, but I got a personal lesson in hypocrisy. I was rebuked for not “wearing my Sunday best to church, in front of other members of the church, by an elder. I told her that it was all my single mom could afford. This woman then told me that God was punishing me because I was sinful, and that that punishment was being visited on my mom, who should find a good husband to take care of her and me. I took it to the pastor who rebuked me for talking back to the elder. But when I told him that my mom couldn’t afford “Sunday best” he also said that she needs to find a good man blah blah blah. I couldn’t understand why I had to dress super nice, when God cares about what is in my heart, not on my body, and I even brought that up to the pastor, who literally waved me off and said “You should want to look your best for God”. But..God created me. He knows what I look like. He knows my mom doesn’t have a lot of money. And he knows that I love him and want to do right by him. Yes, yes, that’s all true and good, but maybe I should get a paper route so I can make money of my own and buy fancy clothes for church. I didn’t tell my mom to find a good man, and I didn’t get a paper route because the bible doesn’t mention anywhere that one needs to wear expensive clothing to worship God. Then I was invited to the pastor’s ranch for the weekend, to go horesback rididng. His teenage kids were rude, not what I was expecting of this family, and his wife coerced me into taking a bath before bed, but she had to be in the bathroom in case anything happened. I was 11. I wasn’t going to drown in the tub. I really wasn’t. She sat on the toilet watching me undress. It was the creepiest feeling I’ve ever had in my life to date. I refused to take off my underwear and got in the tub and sat down defiantly. She offered to wash me. I flatly refused and asked her to leave. She wouldn’t. So, I got out, grabbed a towel, my clothes and me and my wet self left the bathroom. I went into the guestroom prepared for me and stayed there. I couldn’t wait to go home the next day. I never told anyone this. No one. Instead, I left the church, thinking this is what church is? No thanks. I’ll pass.

That’s actually why I left the church. She was not encouraging me to take a bath, but rather demanding I take a bath. Everyone takes a bath before bed in this house, she would say. Then stood in the bathroom with me, watching me undress, asking if I was going to take my underwear off. I said no. I asked her to leave. I honestly have no memory of anything after that, or even going home. I’ve left it there in my head and my heart. It won’t serve me today to recall that memory.

I guess what I’m saying is that now, I’m looking for a church, but can’t get past the stuff I dealt with as a kid. I question the theological background of the pastor(s). How long have they been leading a chruch? How many churches have they led? What was the reason they no longer led at the other churches? And then I dig in to their answers. I end up upsetting the pastor, and rightly so I’d imagine, but the church I attend in the future will be the church whose pastor answers all my questions honestly. It’ll be like an interview for the most important job, only I don’t pay, I ask a lot of questions, no, I will not become a member until I feel that the pastor is Spirit led and I feel welcomed by the congregation. Tall order, but my journey along this path has many questions and I’m always searching for answers (in my bible, like all the time) and I come with a jaded church experience.

Can we talk about healing from this? I know I’m not the only one who has left a church and been heartbroken by the church and heartbroken for leaving.

Can we talk about healing for those who have been harmed by a member of the church? Can we talk about healing from wounds that have created distrust with the church? Can we share these burdens with each other so that we can support, uplift, encourage and offer support and comfort to each other? After all, isn’t that one of the many functions of a church?

Can we please?

Can we do this…please

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First, I’m so very sorry this happened to you. And yes, the Pastor’s Wife is disturbing. I’m glad you left THAT church. You do need to be careful of overanalyzing the new, with the picture of the old in your head. Kind of like comparing your new relationship with an old one that was abusive.

You need to find a Jesus-centered, Bible-saturated, Truth-oriented, Holy Spirit-filled, Theologically-conservative, Multi-generational, Mission-focused, church. One that teaches THIS. The Bible. Not the pastor’s opinions, views, or unbiblical anything.

If they teach things like: Jesus Christ isn’t divine, no one can be holy, there is no Hell, and the Prosperity Gospel. All religions are basically the same: Universalism, salvation by works. Or justify and even glorify sin, or anything else you cannot find in the Word of God; it is a false church. Sadly, the number of false churches popping up is increasing.

Pray, ask God to lead you to the church He wants you to go to. Judge for yourself what the Pastor says, how he acts, and believe it or not, you will be able to feel the Spirit. Again, be careful not to judge the new based on the old.

Peter

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I am sorry that you had such an awful experience.

May I suggest two things

  1. That you do the difficult ult a t of praying for that pastor his wife and elders. That they learn to love as the bible says without judging others by how they dress.
  2. When considering a new church talk to the pastor and tell him about this other churches rude comments about your cloths and family situation. Ask him bluntly will his church act as unloving as that. Then attend and see whether there action match there words.
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Let’s see. I guess I’m on my 4th church. Two of them I left because the leadership changed and the church went sour. I mean really sour. One of them I left after a time because the church became concerned about money. They were preaching it, organizing it and expecting it. They had big plans for renovations and we were to supply the funding. I also noticed that the Spirit of God, that seemed so apparent to me in the beginning, also left. The fourth church is where I am now and so far all is good.

Is it perfect? No. A bunch of people go there so how could it be perfect? There is no perfect church. What you went through was weird and sick and it’s a good thing you left. The church is the body of Christ and not a building where we meet once a week. Sinners go there. All sorts of people go there. The Paster who’s responsible for leading the church is a sinner too. In this we’re all equal and in need of Jesus. That’s why we go. To praise Him, learn of Him and find community among believers.

I think healing comes from forgiveness. That woman is sick and harboring dark thoughts and intentions. She’s to be pitied and one day she will meet her fate. You were innocent and caught up in something that wasn’t of God. Forgiving her doesn’t absolve her. It means she won’t occupy space in your head rent free. Why should she be allowed to do that? Forgiveness is freedom from that.
Forgiving isn’t easy, but God helps us because He requires that we forgive. He wants us free just as you want to be free of it. Try it this way…

Say in prayer, “ Lord, I choose to forgive (insert name) for (what are you forgiving? Spell out what they did) because it made me feel (now tell God honestly and completely how it affected you. God can handle it. Look at some of David’s psalms)

We have to let God lead us to the emotional core of our hurt where the healing will take place. We do this until every hurt is uncovered and we find we’ve forgiven from the heart. Forgiving doesn’t make what they did ok and it doesn’t mean we forget it, or seek revenge or tolerate further sin. Forgiving is for our own sake. The one we forgive is under God’s judgement and we trust Him to take care of it. In truth, forgiveness is between us and our Lord and not so much the other person. As Christians, it’s not an option whether we forgive or not.

I know that you know this already. I hope I’ve been helpful.

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In the words of the great philosopher Phil Conners in the movie groundhog day, “People are morons”. We think of hypocrisy as the intentional presenting of oneself as better than he is. A more accurate description may be self-deception. People who think they are perfect or examples to others often have blinded themselves to truth.

It might be helpful to consider many of the ways Christianity is presented inaccurately and poorly. There is a free pdf booklet called Navigating Christianity that might be useful;

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We are all fragile clay jars, @Joanne.1966 and therefore I am able to empathize with the weight and trauma of what you have endured

Stay strong in Christ Jesus.

J.

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Thank you everyone for such encouragement! And thank you for the solid advice. I’ve attended a few churches in the past few years but none feel like “home”. I know I need community. Here, in this forum and online study groups are my present community. I can reach out online and have done so but it isn’t the same. I’d like to have coffee with someone and talk about scripture, God, life, family, etc. Since returning to Christ my circle has shrunk like shrink wrap under a heat gun. I need some Christian friends.