I am really struggling with forgiveness, my brother died under very suspicious circumstance in Feb. 2021, it’s my belief that his ex-wife drugged some food, so he would stop breathing, and he died. My nephew (14 at the time) participated with his mother to a degree, he waited 4 days before calling 911 to report the death. I think of the phrase “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do”, however, what if they do know what they do? This was a pre-meditated situation where his ex-wife thought she’d get his home for herself. How do I forgive someone that identifies herself as an evil person and committed such a heinous crime?
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First, I want to say how deeply sorry I am for the pain and loss you’ve endured. What you’re facing is not just a wound, but a betrayal and trauma that cuts to the very soul. Forgiveness in such a situation does not mean excusing the evil or pretending it didn’t happen—it means refusing to let the weight of their sin keep you bound in bitterness and despair. Jesus did say, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34), but even when people do know what they are doing, we are still called to forgive—not because they deserve it, but because we need freedom. Forgiveness is not approval; it is not trust; it is not reconciliation. It is a decision, often daily, to release the offender to God’s justice. Romans 12:19 reminds us, “Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” God is righteous and sees every hidden thing. Your grief is real. Your anger is real. But forgiveness allows God to heal you and to deal with the offender as only He can. It is not a weakness—it is a strength birthed through tears and courage, and it takes the burden off your shoulders and places it into the hands of a just and holy God.
Thank you for your kind and wise words, my daily prayers have been very difficult around this subject, but I feel that I can be sincere in my prayer to make the decision to forgive so that I can release the offenders to God. This situation has shaken my faith to the core, and is even more despairing to me, because I chose to go through the appropriate channels vs. resorting to retaliation against them, such as police, meeting with DA’s office, only to be treated very dismissively, they have refused to investigate. I’ve learned through other law enforcement that bias comes into play when the death involves alcohol, which was a factor in this case. I know that God is righteous and he will be the one to repay, I pray every day for his guidance to get me through this. Thank you again for your comforting words.
I’m sorry you have such an aweful event in your family life.
How do you forgive? asicly you don’t.
The requirement to forgive is only there if there is repentance.
As there is no repentance one does not forgive but rather as you are already doing, hand the situation over to God for him to deal with it.
The way I look at it, if someone comes up to me and kicks me in the shin every day, I will forgive them as soon as they stop kicking me in the shin.
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Bob, I get what you’re saying, in this case, my brother’s ex-wife will never stop kicking in the proverbial shin, she actually identifies herself as evil, and I can honestly say, I’ve never heard anyone apply that term to describe themselves. There are diabolical people in this world, and she happens to be one of them. She’s also psychologically abused her son for years, and put him in a position to deal with my brother’s death, while she left town, this isn’t the only bad situation she’s put him in, but it’s certainly the worst.
I’m sorry to hear that. Thankfully, I can’t think of anyone that evil in my family.
Here’s a discussion on that topic:
Thank you for sending this, my husband was saying something along the same vein, that perhaps my brother’s ex-wife’s purpose was to give birth to their son. My nephew lived with me for a year, when he was 11, turning 12, he was a good kid who knew right from wrong, and was sensitive toward people, perhaps the blessing is that he won’t carry on the cycle, however, he’s been extremely manipulated by his mother his entire life, I pray that God releases him from her clutches. Her “not being sorry” is an understatement, she identifies herself as an evil person, I would classify her as slightly below someone like Charles Manson, who manipulated others to do his dirty work, as she’s manipulated her son to be in the forefront of my brother’s death (while she left town), and another legal situation that she orchestrated, and pushed him into. I pray every day for God to help me to get to the place of forgiveness, and to see her through His eyes, it’s not easy, but all I can do is be honest in my prayers, and know that God will help me.
Do you know for sure that your sister-in-law killed your brother? How can you know it? If you don’t know for sure, unload your anxiety and anger at her to God in lamenting prayer until he gives you his peace (Philippians 4:6-7). Then, wait for the day of judgment, when everyone will have to give account to God for all their actions.
Php 4:6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
Php 4:7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
I keep a card with those verses right by my desk, for comfort. Unfortunately, the police refused to investigate the death, despite my nephew being in the home with a deceased body for days, and waiting 4 days to call 911. The first thing he said to me was that he never ate any of the food out of the refrigerator, and that he only ate salads out of his mother’s small refrigerator all week, this is the type of refrigerator that you’d keep drinks/snacks in. There was a drug in my brother’s system that would have been gotten from doctor shopping, the ex-wife told a friend that she used that drug herself, for alcohol withdrawal. It’s my belief that the ex-wife put drugs in some food (the drug slows the central nervous system down), told her son not to eat anything, and left town. Her motive was the assumption that their son would be heir to the home, and she’d finally have a secure place for herself, she’s always lived off other people, exploited men for money, and has always lived a desperate financial life, but did nothing to bolster herself, she is a grifter.
I had to spend thousands on a private investigator, he was a former state trooper, the first thing he told me was that when police come to an alcohol/drug scene and it appears to be self-induced, then it’s low priority for the police. The bias re: my brother’s struggle with alcohol was formed immediately, and I received very dismissive and somewhat nasty treatment from the state police and DA’s office.
Despite them not doing anything to prove that she did it, I would stake my life on my certainty that she did this (I am not alone in my suspicions). When you know what kind of person you’re dealing with, and what they’re capable of, the history and track record backs up my certainty.
Thank you for reaching out, I hope and pray that I one day receive some peace and the truth to be revealed, which I know will be God’s hand, certainly not the police or DA .