It’s been 9 months since my husband died and I still feel lost. I still feel like my prayers arefalling on deaf ears. And it just seems to get worse. The friends and family that I had to support me in the beginning of my grief seem to have abandoned me. I’m constantly super sensitive and consequently irritate or make people mad when I don’t really mean to but my feelings get hurt so easily. And then I react badly. I just want to withdraw and never see the light of day again so I can’t hurt anybody and so I can’t get hurt. I’m so tired of trying so hard to be normal and be happy and enjoy my friends like I used to but I can’t. I fail. It hurts so bad. I just want to feel like my dead husband is caring about my pain and he still loves me. Because I haven’t felt his presence, I feel like he never really loved me to begin with after all the 45 years we spent together. My mind says if he loved me I would hear from him, I would feel his presence,. My mind tells me that isn’t true but my heart hurts so bad because I can’t feel him or hear from him somehow. Consequently I don’t always feel like I’m hearing from God. I just need something to hold on to. So I find myself asking for signs just so I can alleviate the pain even for a little while. I’m so scared that he doesn’t care about me anymore. I know he used to he always gave me clear signs that he was there and listening but now that my husband’s gone, I really can’t hear God anymore. I can’t even see past the pain and it’s scary to think of being all alone. I don’t have children and my family isn’t close in proximity or emotionally. I’m just scared without my husband and now without God. Sometimes I feel that I am not ever going to get better can I be the only one that feels this way? I think not and yet grief is such a lonely road and I need something tangible to hold on to.
I am sorry for your loss opf your Husband.
9 Months is an increadible short period of time.
Please allow your self to grieve.
Is there no one in your church who has suffered the loss of a partner to whom you could talk about your feelings?
You are allowed to grieve, to cry, to be withdrawn ( do make the effort to attend church and meet with others. ) Socialising will be difficult, do make the effort as it will help.
God does love you. You do not need to feel that love to know it is real.
Take each day at a time.
I’ll pray that you will be able to grieve, to socialise and to worship God and that you will have those who will grieve with you.
Thank you I do go to church regularly I do socialize with my friends and my church family regularly they love me they pray for me but I still feel like I’m all alone and mostly I feel like God isn’t listening or doesn’t care anymore
Your tragic story touched me, and your plight moved me to respond.
I am aware of the insufficient, and sometimes insensitive advice Job received from his friends, so I am being careful to not come across in the same way. (If you have not read Job in a while, it may be worth a review). What did come to my mind, and I hope is helpful for you, is something I read recently by Dr. Lee Warren – Neurosurgeon, who says “We know that anxiety and gratitude do not exist at the same time in your brain”. What he is saying neuroscience has recently “discovered” has essentially been handed to mankind from our loving Creator in the words of Paul to the Philippians (4th chapter.)
**Philippians 4:4-7**
Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!
Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
While this admonition may sound trite, or insufficient on the surface, modern neuroscience is confirming deep truths that God graciously entrusted to us long ago; “anxiety and gratitude cannot coexist in your brain”; anxiety is replaced by thanksgiving, and visa-versa, one will displace the other. Dr. Warren has a complex medical explanation, but I can attest to the veracity of this “discovery” in my own life, and it the lives of others that I know who have suffered tragedy.
Before you allow this to give you more anxiety, start with thanking our Father for the wonderful and complex way He has created us. You see, you don’t necessarily have to be directly thankful for the tragedy or the events that led up to it, at least not at first. As it turns out, any kind of sincere thankfulness will begin to transform anxiety. I’m sure, if you give yourself to it, you can think of many things for which you are grateful. Eventually, God will (hopefully) bring you to being thankful for even the worst moments in your life, but let’s walk before we run.
I know a woman who was grief-struck by her inability to get pregnant. For years she fought with God over her infertility through much pryer and weeping. Through God’s grace she eventually came to the place of learning to be grateful for all that He has done, and is doing in her life. Not only did her anxiety begin to melt, but she eventually, against medical predications, got pregnant, three times. I’m not saying this is the course for everyone, God’s course for you is yours alone, but I know it is one of loving care and graceful provision. I know it from the Word of God, I know it from science, I know it from witnessing it, and I know it from experience.
Praying His gratefulness in your life
KP
P.S. @Johann can give you a compendium of truth on the subject of thankfulness. Just ask.
I cannot image your feelings of lose or of lonliness.
As I said take the time to greive, a life time together is not got over in a few month or even years.
God does love you, he does hear you, you may not be aware of it but his Spirit is with you and will give you peace. Easy words for me, but they are based on my limited experience. God is with you, he will give you peace and strength to face the day, the evenings and nights.