It’s been 9 months since my husband died and I still feel lost. I still feel like my prayers arefalling on deaf ears. And it just seems to get worse. The friends and family that I had to support me in the beginning of my grief seem to have abandoned me. I’m constantly super sensitive and consequently irritate or make people mad when I don’t really mean to but my feelings get hurt so easily. And then I react badly. I just want to withdraw and never see the light of day again so I can’t hurt anybody and so I can’t get hurt. I’m so tired of trying so hard to be normal and be happy and enjoy my friends like I used to but I can’t. I fail. It hurts so bad. I just want to feel like my dead husband is caring about my pain and he still loves me. Because I haven’t felt his presence, I feel like he never really loved me to begin with after all the 45 years we spent together. My mind says if he loved me I would hear from him, I would feel his presence,. My mind tells me that isn’t true but my heart hurts so bad because I can’t feel him or hear from him somehow. Consequently I don’t always feel like I’m hearing from God. I just need something to hold on to. So I find myself asking for signs just so I can alleviate the pain even for a little while. I’m so scared that he doesn’t care about me anymore. I know he used to he always gave me clear signs that he was there and listening but now that my husband’s gone, I really can’t hear God anymore. I can’t even see past the pain and it’s scary to think of being all alone. I don’t have children and my family isn’t close in proximity or emotionally. I’m just scared without my husband and now without God. Sometimes I feel that I am not ever going to get better can I be the only one that feels this way? I think not and yet grief is such a lonely road and I need something tangible to hold on to.
I am sorry for your loss opf your Husband.
9 Months is an increadible short period of time.
Please allow your self to grieve.
Is there no one in your church who has suffered the loss of a partner to whom you could talk about your feelings?
You are allowed to grieve, to cry, to be withdrawn ( do make the effort to attend church and meet with others. ) Socialising will be difficult, do make the effort as it will help.
God does love you. You do not need to feel that love to know it is real.
Take each day at a time.
I’ll pray that you will be able to grieve, to socialise and to worship God and that you will have those who will grieve with you.